Coping with my father and grandmas death?

Hi everyone. My father ped away when I was 10. I am 18 now. And it seems like it is getting more difficult coping with his death. My father was an alcoholic and drug addict. Him and his mother just got their relationship where it belonged then she ped away. So then he started drinking to cope with that. He wasn't good toward her. So she never talked to him until he married my mother. When he would drink he touched himself in front of me. I would have to put him to bed if he was ped out. Don't get me wrong he was a good dad sober. But he refused to admit he had a problem. I was to young to understand what I do now. My grandfather took him outside to kick his *** because he treated my mother aweful. And I would cry and talk on the phone begging my grandparents to come and get me. The last time I saw him was at the Winn-Dixie before we moved. I told I love you daddy. Then I can't remember if it was a couple of days or weeks later. We got a phone call. I was outside. I was going to see my dad. And my grandpa came in he looked like he said something to tell me. I don't remember the exact words he told me. But he said Kimi I have something bad to tell you. Your father has ped away. I sat there and tried to understand it for a minuet. Then I just fell to the floor screaming and crying. Im crying as I type this. AS if that weren't enough I lived with my grandma whom I called mimi. She was the most amazing person I knew. I loved her so much. There are so many things I want to tell her. She ped away four years after my dad. She and my grandpa were married 43 years. We got into a little argument over my room. And I didn't tell her that I loved her when she went to the doctor. After that I got a really bad feeling. Then we got the call that she had a anueryism. So we were in the waiting room and all I could think about was whether or not I was grounded. Then my grandpa came out from talking with the doctor. And he was crying. All my life I have never seen him cry. And he told my Uncle. He said Rob it's bad. And I got scared. So the doctor allowed us to see her before her brain surgery. So I walked over to her. And she took my hand. I was crying. I said mimi I love you and I'm sorry. Those were the last words I told her. So she went into surgery. We waited. Then she had a stroke. So a week ped. Then the doctor allowed us to go into the ICU to see her. I walked in and as soon as I saw her hooked up to all of the machines I collasped. The side of her head was shaved. She had a breathing tube. It was bad. So I held her hand. And I said mimi it's me Kimi you need to get better. And I told her that I loved her. And I felt her squeeze my hand. But a day or so later she had another stroke. My little cousin and I were playing a video game in the Hubbard house. Our grandpa walked in (her husband). And he sat us down. I looked at him. I knew something had happened. So I started to tear up. He told us. Mimi has passed away. And that the doctors have done everything that they could to save her. They said that she would have been worse than Terri Shivo. And my grandma told my grandpa that she didn't want to live like that. And if she did to pull the plug. So he had the plug pulled. Several doctors checked her time and time again. And there was absolutly no brain activity. After he told me I just stared at him. Then I started crying. I miss her so much. As well as my dad. I feel like I've dissapointed her. I got expelled from school for having . Off school property. Then i was going to get my GED. But now I am going to go back to school in January to receive my high school diploma. I miss her and my father now more then ever. I need them more then ever. I have made promises to both of them. And I am fighting to keep those promises. So far I am making one promise happen by getting my diploma. And I went through hell. And now I get to go to a new school. I do believe that they are my guardian angels. But I still cry. I still expect my mimi to walk through the door from gardening. My grandpa remarried. I think of her as my own grandma. I love her. But I feel like if i love her as much as I did my grandma i would be betraying her. I don't want to keep feeling sad. Please help.