Im so old, this is so retarded?

im 20 (90 7 15 male, best christian ever(so i kow what will happen when jesus comes)) and now i realize that im not 19 anymore and that the earth spinned 20 times since my bd and coz of that its a valid statement that im 20 yrs old not coz of western year counting, and its like middlife crisis, i dont know why im writing this, maybe coz i want to yell at those who wont agree with me, i only get older and in this stance i will never be younger(only god can change it), every day im not getting younger, its more retarded than middlife crisis coz then they realize that they will die and accept how old they r but i dont know if there is somebody who experience the same as me, its like i never had that what i expected, i never lived it as what i wanted "the very perfect life that i can imagine", it will maybe take several times to get younger to live the life again so taht i can live all i want, it couldnt be "this is it", god and life have more potential than this life, i know and dont know how to live the way i want coz the very perfect thing i cant imagine coz my mind there r so much perfection that i cant collect it and imagine it my mind also would p flaws and it will never feel perfect(i give this all to god coz he knows the deepest perfection that i could ve dreamed of but now i cant COZ I SOMEHOW CANT JUST COLLECT IT COZ OF HOW perfect it is, this is the most unanswerable ting about myself i dont know answer myself so only god knows and only he knows how it should be if i live my life), there is more to experience and more to discover and what god all can do and fit all my deepest desires( that i cant see myself coz im afraid that if i try to tink of perfect then it wont be perfect coz it just have to be the perfect and this can only be done by god), god will make things when jesus comes and i believe that he will do it even for my sakes, he will do it perfect, some things that u dont care about but if u read my mind u will want to discover it too, im getting old and jesus will go in 2020 or less, IM GOD'S CHOSEN FFS,this cant be all serious,...there is just a thing that is very serious about me its my own personal thing and nobody can udnertand it but god alone, its also the best thing i ever had(a gift), this so retarded right now and its still the same position(jesus still didnt came), but im getting older and i havent experienced the right things in right time, pokemon changed my life and god led me to leagueshipping.....im 20 and i still think and act about how it would be when i would be 10, 13,5 again, im ashamed to be 20, although i was more mature than any other adult when i was 17, but its so old, (im real boy(hate heterouality, like cars understand the boy's spirit)), its not the real life, and i still cant believe it, whyc ant i choose what i want to be? god gave me no choice and now im 20 and wtf,its too fast, and im too old,"one must live lonesome to understand what best friendship means(god gave me leagueshipping and it changed my life but the quote i realized some days ago) and somebody who is young and thinks he knows what best friendship is he doesnt know that he doesnt have it," i understood it days ago they r blinded by the ppl around them and wont know what best friendship means, they r so blind and young they could make it better than they have and they miss too much opportunities, they will never see it until they will "read me"...........i know its not this is it but i dont know when jesus comes, im adult and boy at the same time(not coz im 20) but coz of my personality i always was so, this is so old and im so sick, if i had known this when i was 8 but i couldnt do anything coz i lived then in other area and i wouldnt know the truth that i know now, i cant believe this ****,this is some serious ****